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Thursday, January 8th, 2004
6:07 pm - Thursday January Eighth
Lets see... Break ended this week, sort of. We went to school on Monday, had two glorious snow days Tuesday and Wednesday and finally today [Thursday] came back to school, with a 2 hour late start mind you [I hope we have another one tomorrow]. It's almost like break was an extra week long almost[speaking of break, I had reasonably lovely holidays, my brother and I got along and we had the family thing going on, just kinda got bored with little to no outside contact]. I was supposed to go in and take my drive test today, I had the appointment and everything, but no, stupid Washington and snow had to not equal up to fair road conditions. That kind of blowed, but what can you do? I guess I can wait a little longer, I guess.

I've been reading some more. I'm in that awesome book phase, where you have a whole bunch of new books that you just want to read, and then once you've finnished with the ones you have, you want to read more. Eventually I run out of books at home to read, possibly borrow a few, but once those are spent I'm too poor to go to the library pay my fine and rent some new ones. So I wait untill next holiday in which I recieve an amazon gift certificate from my aunt and uncle, with out fail, every year for 25.00 big ones [I am very grateful for my anual 25 Amazon dollars].

At the moment I can't really think of what to say. Maybe it's not that I can't think of what to say, I just have too much to say. My thoughts are jumbled. I should be writing them down as they come, whether or not I think they are intresting or intruiging at the moment. I just never seem to think them at the right time. I tend to think when I'm in bed and by that time, too lazy to get out of the warmth to write something that I doubt I'd be able to put in words with the same flow I was thinking them. [maybe I should start keeping a notebook by the bed?]
Well I am done for evening hope you all have a lovely one. I am looking forward for the new day [for the first time in a long while and it feels good].

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Sunday, January 4th, 2004
9:38 pm - fancy
Hmm, another day another entry. I believe that I fancy [like my word choice? I do] one of my brothers friends. Haha kinda weird when I think about it. Being that my brother and his friends are all 19 or 20 [I always do like the older guys]. His name is Matt. Hehe, he's a cutie has a small lisp, it's cute though. He's a nice guy, funny, and like Griff is always nice and including [as in talks with me when he's over and not just my brother]. hmm, I will contimplate this some more and why I'm in like with this guy. [I don't want to be doing this crap again, I need to stop]

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3:07 am - Fizzle
Right, so the other day this kid messaged me and he said he knows some kid that I know, so I was like alright whatever it's cool. So we'd exchanged a few hellos, and how are you's, you know the little typical small talk. Then today we started talking, and kept talking, and talking it's crazy we talked for like 3 hours, talking untill like 2:30 this morning [a typical time for me to be up, noting that fact that I can't get to sleep, ever, untill at least after 3:30 which blows] so I felt bad for keeping him up. But he said it was ok because he was happy to keep me company. Anyways we're sitting there typing it up [not chatting, typing] and playing our version of 21 questions. We keep finding out that we have all this stuff in common and blahdiblahblah [you know the usual]. He then asks me what I think of him, which is that he's nice, seems pretty cool, kinda ghetto [in touch with his inner blacnkess as I'd like to say] but it's all good you know. Then he asks if I feel like we have a connection I'm thinking what the crap, that's kinda weird you know but whatever, I'll go with it and say something like you seem cool and nice and you amuse me right, right.
{this is where is gets even more weird}
Ok so it turns out he asked me these questions because, well I don't think I found out exactly why, but he was like I have a girlfriend yaddah yaddah, and I'm like alright that's cool whatever, I don't care. Then he says something that makes it all click, he's one of my friends boyfriends! and I'm like jesus, I know you! [well no, I don't know Jesus, but you get the idea] We quickly reminise about the times we met, obviously not knowing at the time that we needed to remember who eachother were. Anyhow He starts to tell me how he's confused because although we haven't officially met and talked like this that he feels horrible for nothing thinking about his girlfriend for the past two weeks while she was gone, and even worse that he didn't start thinking about her untill he started thinking about me.
{So I'm there thinking what the crap, I'm sitting here giving my friends boyfriend advice not purposely about having to break up with her or how to break up with her because A) His dad won't let him see her B) He's having "impure" [haha] thought about someone else, C) hasn't been thinking of his gf while she was away, till now, because he was thinking about me, and D) she lives too far away for him to see her more than a few times a month.}
He was all I'm thinking about you and how you have what my girlfriend doesn't and I feel horrible, but my dad won't let me see here anyway, so why do I feel so bad, and wow, it was intresting to say the least.

I'm done blabbing for now [what a long entry for nothing really important. Oh well, I do what I want]
pimpingly yours,
- -Bethie
P.S. quote I love kiyomi..shes the best asian and Mexie cause most mexies are dirty dirty kids, [but] shes wonderfully clean but the dirty mind. unquote

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Tuesday, October 7th, 2003
10:57 pm - No Longer Me
Everything has become a downward spiral through emptiness. What is wrong with me? I’m not longer happy anywhere. I’m not happy at home or with my friends or by myself. I find myself taking naps all the time and not wanting to get out of bed ever, it’s like I’m sleeping my life away. Always being tired or easily upset and angry at everything. Even when I’m with my friends I don’t feel like being there. I always want to be somewhere else. This honestly isn’t working for me. It’s putting a damper on what’s supposed to be a great chapter in my life. It’s like I can be happy, or is it I won’t let myself? When I see other people that are happy it makes me sad. And then I look at them and want to be wiped out of existence because I can’t have that. I always feel like I want to go home but it’s not better there. My parents are, constantly yelling at me a complaining about me, telling me that they can’t trust me and act like they don’t even know me. I want to get out, but where to? If I were to leave, my parents would go anal wondering where I was, not knowing whether to worry, cry, or yell and then once I came back they would yell and scream at me for leaving. Making everything worse then it would have been in the first place, getting me nowhere and leaving me grounded thus being worse than what it started out as because then of course I couldn’t go anywhere. I think I’m wasting away and will end up in a worse downward spiral, which will inevitably lead to more emptiness in the end.

All My Love,
--Bethie

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Sunday, September 7th, 2003
10:58 am - Never Look Back





Let me stop this
it's too hard.

I want to get out
let me try to be smart.

I want this to quit
before I fall too hard.

I wish to let go
and never look back.

I want this to end
with no broken heart to mend.

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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
10:24 pm - A Little Secret
I want to let you in on a little secret.
I'm not half the girl you think I am.
I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as just a friend.
This I doubt you'll ever know,
I'll just keep it to myself.
I want to let you in on a little secret.
I wish honestly I could tell you to your face.
But obviously it'd be much harder to say,
So what I wish to tell you
I will just have to put down in words.
I want to let you in on a little secret,
I think I've fallen in like with you.

current mood: artistic

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Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
9:35 pm - my life in a matter of minutes

Well my life seems to be wizzing by me and I don't think I'm enjoying as much of it as I should. I'm really trying, I think... Maybe I'm just not letting myself be happy or maybe I just don't know what I want, or what I'm looking for. Am I even really looking for something? Who knows, I guess only time will tell to sound cliche. I want to make the best outta life, but everytime I don't do something I feel like I'm wasting my life away. When I guess I'm really not, but I guess everyone sometimes feels that way, right?

current mood: bewildered

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Friday, June 27th, 2003
7:23 pm - long time
It's been a long long time. I will start updating this once I get my computer upstairs working again.

--Bethie

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Sunday, December 8th, 2002
6:06 pm - Damnit
well, I'm the manager for Stadium Boy's swimming, which is way awesome. And then there's this guy named Rob, who I like, he goes to Bellarmine and swims for us. And well, he kinda likes Sarah, and sarah says she only kinda likes him, but she's not really sure, but she really does. and then they're talking like indirectly about going out and bf/gf and it makes me sad. Damnit, damnit, damnit. Why do I always like someone other people like and someone like I know already likes someone else. Boo. arrgghh! and now I want swimming to end soon, so like I don't have to see Rob and Sarah "together" every day. I love sarah to death, but it's depressing. aarrggghhhh! And now I don't like him anymore. I'll just keep telling myself that and it will be all good.

current mood: crushed

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Monday, August 19th, 2002
6:14 pm - be who you are
Boo. I hate it when people label other people and I don't particularly understand why people are posers. Again this is just an opinion. I'm not trying to make anyone mad.

Labeling people as posers or by popularity and things like that just make it seem like either you're jealous of them or are in a sense being judgemental just because they aren't the kind of people you like or are friends with. Personally I would never go up to someone that is all about pop music but say that they really like rock or rap to fit in and say that they are posers or that they are really dumb because they don't like the kind of music I like. If it the subject of music comes up in a converstaion I might state the fact that I don't like their music, but would never say I'm not gonna be your friend, and wouldn't act completely rude to them. It also bothers/confuses me when people leave rude notes(specially when they aren't signed) on peoples diaries saying that the person is stupid or that the bands they like are so not punk or rock and that they are posers because they only like the mainstream music. They could easily be nice and correct them and be like sorry, the band that you just mentioned isn't punk they are(__)and then whatever they are, or I think you would like to check out this band, I think, so that they can understand your definition of realy punk/ska/rap/rock/ and what not. Why be rude about it?

(this applies to TOD celebs too) Poser, I don't not like the idea of being a poser mostly because I don't understand why they aren't being themselves. I say, why be someone you aren't when you could be one in a croud of millions that shines for who you are. I admit that I once was a poser, I guess you could say. It was back in the day when I was nieve and thought that for people to like me I had to be like them, be what I thought they wanted me to be, and like what they liked. I wanted to be accepted. I learned through my few years of wisdom, ha, that who I really was underneath it all, was what everyone wanted to know and like. Being yourself makes you differet, unique, fun, even intriquing! Like I've said before why be a clone when you can be your own person?

current mood: bouncy

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Saturday, July 27th, 2002
8:14 am - working at Kopachuck
</td>

I have been so busy this past week. I was working at Kopachuck daycamp, which by the way is the best! So now I am really tired. They counselors there were awesome. I love them all. This had to be my favorite year. The counselors that I thought were awesome were: Fly=Kris, Yogi=Katie(SOTA buddy), BooBoo=Kady, Crispy=Doherty (of course), Butterscotch=Janelle, Peanut=Marisa, and Spaulding=Josh was cool, but he wasn't a counselor. But those are the only people I can think of off the top of my head.
*Twig=Shawn*
, Mr. X=Leeroy, and Biggs=Matt, were there. Mr. X was my CA. Ha.

Now to the sad part.
My CA Leeroy, has a weird situation. Doherty and I have always kinda been curious about it. So we asked Smokey.
The deal is that Leeroy lives down here(WA) with his mom's old girlfriend. Yes you heard me girlfriend. So Leeroy's mom is bi-sexual. And already you can tell that has got to be a little hard on him. Don't get me wrong, the lady who takes care of him Jerry, is very good to him. She has gotten him braces, nice clothes, food, and is a good mother figure to him.
But he moved down here in the first place because he had it pretty rough back at home. His mom was and a druggie and an alcholic. Plus</b> his brother was pretty much like his mom, but Leeroy looked up to him.
The choice to move down here was Lee's, he wanted to become a better student and all that good stuff. But now, he's choosing to move back to North Carolina to live with his mom.
But his mom still isn't the right person he should be living with, she hasn't cleaned up her act really. If he moved back to NC he would more than likely become a,wild child, so to speak, because he wouldn't have any rules. and I don't want him to do that. He has come such along way living down here for one year. And I don't want him to become a bad kid. I am saddened by his situation.
He is trying to make the move easier by becoming closed off and rude when adults aren't around. He's trying to get people to not like him, so it will be easier. I don't want him to leave.


current mood: accomplished

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Tuesday, July 9th, 2002
3:19 am - The tears I cry
I cry these tears

but no one cares.

does anyone ever listen

I cry these tears

of hope and fear.

can anyone sense my fear.

I cry these tears

of loss and love

does anyone feel my pain

I cry these tears

from the heart

because love can be a game.

I cry these tears

when I dont know why

and my world comes tumbling down.
by: Bethie

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Thursday, July 4th, 2002
11:27 am - Unite
Just something I wrote elsewhere and wanted to save
We oppose racism, sexism, homophobia, capitalism, hierarchy, and fascism of all kinds. We advocate a radical change in our society that is based on mutual aid, openess, direct democracy, respect and protection of our Mother Earth, solidarity, and free association.
-UNITE
I'm damn pissed right now. I have nothing to do for the 4th cause my friend Anthony and Myles "had" to bail. Bah! I'll get over it. Happy 4th to you all!

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Sunday, June 30th, 2002
7:04 pm - to pledge allegiance...
"I pledge allegiance,
to the flag,
of the United States of America,
and to the republic,
for which it stands,
one nation,
under god,
indivisible,
with liberty,
and justice for all."
I have said that every day of school for the last 3 years. That is equal to 540 days, of saying that. After about the 1st time of each year, the meaning is lost. I only say it because I have to, I say it as a ritual with no meaning.

I think in a way it is un-constitutional, because, yes we are one nation, but we're not all under god in a sence. Not every one is religious, not everyone believes in god.

Maybe the pledge should be said once a week, once a month, or maybe only at assemblys. It would give it more meaning. And even just changing the words to:

"... for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty......" that sounds fine to me. Maybe a little wierd, cause you're not used to saying it that way, but nothing's wrong with it.

- unfinished

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Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
4:55 am - Back to reality.
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font [...] ,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<font FACE="Verdana", arial SIZE=1 COLOR=#00FFFF>
<style type=text/css><!--font{letter-spacing:1pt;font-family:verdana;font-size:10pt}--></style><p>
<p>
<font color=yellow>It's the end of the year. (it's the end of the world as we now it, and I feel fine, it's the end of the world as we know it...)And well, I guess I'm sad.<p>
I realized the true sadness during 6th period when I looked at the clock and it read 10:50. It was then it hit me that I'd probably never be in the same room with that enitre group of people again. I'll miss the people individualy, but as a group more.<p>
I love them dearly and I don't want to leave them. I'm going to miss all the Wilson and Bellarmine kids.<p>
I've come back to reality. I've got to move on no matter how much I don't want to.<p>
<p>
<center><font size=9><b>STADIUM WILL KICKASS</font></b></center><p>
<p>
The year is over. I guess all I have to say to all my fellow Masonites is:<p>
We've made it,We've survived it, and well We've conquered it, Stadium here we come.<p>
<p>

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Saturday, June 8th, 2002
3:53 am - a look in the mirror
When I look in the mirror, what do I see?

I see my image staring back at me.

An image of sorrow an image of hurt,

an image of a girl, lost in the world.

Look in the mirror and let me tell you what I see?

I see all the things that are wrong with me.

Now look closely in that mirror and what do you see.

You see the inner beauty, deep inside of me.

When I look in the mirror I can hear in my head,

The wonderful things you tell me, though I wish I were dead.

When I look in the mirror what do I do,

I critisize myself and say oh my gosh,

what's happened to you.

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Sunday, May 26th, 2002
9:21 pm - I'm alive and kicking
Ahhh! Life is good. I just got back from Arizona! I wish I were still there. I have a new fav. store. Woohhooo! The QT. It is yummmy. They have the best drinks. I was baking like a cake down there. But it was nice. I got a tan, even though I don't need one. I got to see my brother, and I met his g/f Dakota. She is a doll. She's so nice. I love her. I hope they get married or something. But hey, that's way into the future. I don't want to go back to school. I have so much makeup work. I really really don't want to do. Oh well. It was totally worth it. Can't wait to see all my friends. So I guess I'm glad to be back to go to school. But I think I might take AZ over WA anyday. Not necessarily the people(cept maybe the guys) but the weather.

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Saturday, May 18th, 2002
6:41 am - count.
Arizona Count: 1 day! I'm going to be chillin like a villian.

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Thursday, May 9th, 2002
5:29 pm - Among Millions//poem
I am one,
I stand alone,
I am one among millions.

Among millions I stand,
among millions I am,

I am one alone among millions.
Surrounded by millions,
but still I am alone.

I am a child of earth,
but forever I will be,
one alone among millions

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Friday, May 3rd, 2002
9:18 pm - 2 and half hours of practice.
Well, I just finnished practicing my clarinet. I practiced for 2 and a half hours, and so in conclusion my mouth is shot and so is my thumb. Man! That is some hard work. We have a real musical performance tomorrow. Good luck to us! I hope I do alright. I could practice more, but I think I'll wait untill tomorrow. Mmmmm, well other than that my day was bust. I am so tired, but can't go to sleep. So, I dunno I think I'll go do some sit-ups and stuff. Burn those calories and gain that muscle!
Arizona count// 15 1/2days
Today's advice//Don't be a bummer to the world. Live it up.

current mood: pleased

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